These hands are this body’s most utilized appendages. They are responsible for obtaining tactile information and manipulating portions of the world immediately accessible to their user. It is not uncommon to find at least one in a pocket at any given time.

Both hands are 31 years old and show heavier-than-average use. Their coloration is predominantly smoky alabaster with sporadic splotches of salmon. A mesmerizing matrix of mildew-blue veins crisscrosses the back of each, raised and angry just beneath the skin. Sometimes this characteristic is more than a little off-putting to children.

Hands are 17.46 centimeters in length when measured from the bottom of the palm to the pinnacle of the middle finger. They are smaller than comparable models but arguably just as adroit at fine-motor-dependent tasks. They cannot palm a regulation-size basketball.

At one time they could punch twice for flinching, break falls from skateboarding, model for hand-turkeys, and gesture obscenely at law enforcement, though these capabilities have not been tested in ages. During customary shaking, they grip other hands firmly. They can wave regular or even princess-style. When combined, they clap without incident. Their maximum typing speed is 63 words per minute.

They are confident in the execution of three different complex urban-greeting maneuvers, including one that involves touching the receiver’s elbow with the first dorsal interosseous while feigning nonchalance.

Although both hands are agile and artistic in the sometimes dangerous dance of self-love, they cannot play the piano, violin, oboe, or any other “chamber” musical instrument that requires dexterous fingering. Despite these drawbacks, the thumbs, middle fingers and forefingers are quite capable of basic prestidigitation, advanced card shuffling, and admirable steering-wheel drum solos, especially if performed while operator is intoxicated.

Palms perspire profusely at all times, without exception.

Since the winter of 2005, the knuckles of both hands require “cracking” every 3-5 hours. If knuckle maintenance is neglected, they begin to stick in the area surrounding the extensor digitorum communis. Sometimes cracking is absolutely necessary more frequently. This depends on external temperature, humidity, and nature of implementation. If location dictates that knuckles are to be cracked in public, it is best to do so in cacophonous environs such as subway tunnels, busy cafes, or tap-dance recitals. This minimizes the risk of the firecracker-paradiddle of pops garnering unwelcome attention or concern.

Fingernail length on all digits increases abnormally fast. A “coke fingernail” can be achieved in four or five days. Nails are naturally angled for rigorous and blissful scratching, yet as a result they collect crescent moons of detritus in a snap. Obsessive clipping does little to vary dirt yield, and often it appears as though a tanker spilled flat-onyx crude beneath them. This unfortunate characteristic ensures that reaching third base on a date with a sighted woman is nearly impossible, even with head-first sliding.

The smallest digit of the right hand, or “pinky,” suffered irreversible damage in the autumn of 2006. A workplace error caused a broken pint glass to slice almost clear through the finger’s epidermis, muscle, and sinew. More specifically, the glass severed the delicate urnal artery and adjacent nerve strands, which instantly resulted in a perfect parabola of blood-spurt. After thirteen E.R. stitches and four hours under the scalpel in an impotent attempt to reconnect the tape-like filament of pinky nerves to the rest of the body and brain, the digit took on a knotted appearance and an odd numbness that persists to this day. Operator can now extract large wads of mucus from the nose with this finger and not confirm whether the excavation was successful until visual verification is achieved.

According to an overpriced and overly fragrant palm reader, the dominant hand’s life line is too short. The secondary hand was not examined because it was clutching the cash.

RATING: 3 out of 5 stars.

Would you recommend these hands to a friend? YES.